Posted in: Other - Short Stories
Date: February 26, 2010
George was the kind of man who didn't need a soft and delicate toilet tissue. In fact, George actually preferred a rough and almost abrasive tissue.
One day, as George sat upon the toilet, an amazing idea came to mind.
"I will make my own toilet tissue!", he exclaimed.
So, being the environmentally friendly person that he was, George immediately set out to do exactly as he said. He went out to the living room and saw the Sunday paper sitting on the table. Now, George had used newspaper to wipe his ass before, but it was far to stiff to do a thorough job. To make the tissue to his liking, he would first have to process the newspaper and roll it into manageable sheets.
George soaked the newspaper in water and a little bit of baby oil.
"Ahhh", George beamed, "This toilet paper will be rough and abrasive, just as I like, yet soft and smooth at the same time!"
The newspaper was then broken up in the blender. It looked like a thick and chunky smoothie, and George poured it out on a cookie sheet.
"Blub.. Blub..", it oozed out.
George was excited, and he wanted the tissue to be done soon. He couldn't decide if he wanted to bake the tissue, or to let it slowly air dry. After some careful consideration, he decided on the speedier method, and placed the sheets in the oven.
After six minutes in the oven, the house was filled with the pungent aroma of baby oil and burning paper. George rushed to the oven and threw open the door.
"YES", George shouted with glee.
He had come just in the nick of time, and the tissue was perfect! Paying special attention to every detail, George rubbed his hands over the rough and abrasive tissue. It was gritty, yet possessed a subtle smoothness. It was very much to George's liking.
From that day on, George never bought toilet tissue ever again.
THE END